THE MANSE- Students at Deerfield Academy were surprised to see a newly planted "SOLD" sign on the lawn of the Manse, the traditional home of the Head of School. The Manse was auctioned out by the mysterious PrimE_time007Challenger on the popular online auctioning site Ebay. After three days of virtually no bids, one courageous bidder put $5.89 on the table. He was followed by another who bid $20 for the prestigious mansion. At the last minute however, PrimE_time007Challenger entered his bid for the fantastic sum of twenty four dollars and sixty three cents.
Meanwhile, the Curtis family is saddened by the loss of their humble abode. They will resume living in Andover, among friends that have shown solidarity in these hard times of the Academy.
Good Night
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
NEWS FROM THE FRONT
EAGLEBROOK- In the recent weeks, the remainder of the Deerfield 4th Infantry trekked through the Eaglebrook campus to meet the communist foe. Meanwhile, the Deerfield 473rd Airborne performed in the last of a series of war games with the 1st Bement Horse in preparation with the new secret campaign to take over NMH's Pocumtuck positions.
Abandoned since the senior prank, the Deerfield army is hungry and in desperate need for food. The soldiers on the front are eating hteir own shoes and bracing agaisnt diseases such as Syphilis and Legionnaire's.
At Central Command, General Matt Bolger'09 assured the Chronicle that the army was in great shape and "pumped", "blazed", and "kind of having a fun time".
The great donuts famine fo last friday was met with a series of looting for food, women and other similar victuals, vital for the survival of the 4th Infantry.
STADIUM- The Deerfield Navy is preparing for a series of war-games that will take place next weekend. Two SS-Class Nimitz Submarines will race at the Deerfield river, to see who gets the farthest without getting killed.
"It's all fun right now, but wait till Matt Lu'09 gets his bow and arrows, that's when the game is going to go down" affirmed McCullough Shriver'08, Admiral of the Pacific Task Force.
The navy, though inexperienced and somewhat inexistent, is the beacon of Deerfield on the water, ALL HAIL THE FACIST REGIME OF THE AP SYSTEM
Abandoned since the senior prank, the Deerfield army is hungry and in desperate need for food. The soldiers on the front are eating hteir own shoes and bracing agaisnt diseases such as Syphilis and Legionnaire's.
At Central Command, General Matt Bolger'09 assured the Chronicle that the army was in great shape and "pumped", "blazed", and "kind of having a fun time".
The great donuts famine fo last friday was met with a series of looting for food, women and other similar victuals, vital for the survival of the 4th Infantry.
STADIUM- The Deerfield Navy is preparing for a series of war-games that will take place next weekend. Two SS-Class Nimitz Submarines will race at the Deerfield river, to see who gets the farthest without getting killed.
"It's all fun right now, but wait till Matt Lu'09 gets his bow and arrows, that's when the game is going to go down" affirmed McCullough Shriver'08, Admiral of the Pacific Task Force.
The navy, though inexperienced and somewhat inexistent, is the beacon of Deerfield on the water, ALL HAIL THE FACIST REGIME OF THE AP SYSTEM
Scottish Knight Visits Deerfield
KOCH TRACK- In a surprise visit to the campus, the famous Scottish knight known as a Sir Malcom of Saint Augustine-by-the-Loch gave an insightful insight into life and it's meaning. The knight was in full battle armor and wiedled his 100-pound sword skillfully.
"Mur hath thee spoketh, for the lord hath darrow sayd, com withold younger menstral, FOR SCOTLAND!" He screamed to the top of his lungs and did summon his battle horse when he felt threatened by the Koch Center, which has been said to look like a dragon.
Sir Malcom then went on to joust againt fellow scot president-elect Will Thomas'09. Singlehandedly, with the help of Jason Jung'09 , his noble squire, Thomas took on the master swordsman with all his wit and intellect.
But, Sir Malcom summoned a spell of protection and the entire room was smitten by some unatural force.
It was a nice day
"Mur hath thee spoketh, for the lord hath darrow sayd, com withold younger menstral, FOR SCOTLAND!" He screamed to the top of his lungs and did summon his battle horse when he felt threatened by the Koch Center, which has been said to look like a dragon.
Sir Malcom then went on to joust againt fellow scot president-elect Will Thomas'09. Singlehandedly, with the help of Jason Jung'09 , his noble squire, Thomas took on the master swordsman with all his wit and intellect.
But, Sir Malcom summoned a spell of protection and the entire room was smitten by some unatural force.
It was a nice day
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Race War Declared at DA Debate
JOHN WILLIAMS- Several St. Paul's School debaters threatened the "Green Race" with a douse of arguments today. Their heckling was met with the fury of Matthew Lu '09, a prominent member of the "dajisa"(GSA) who stood up for his hongkong-ness by biting his finger at them.
Subsequently, Dan Piemont'07 unveiled his Captain Deerfield metal rod and made it all personal.
All the nerdy debaters were suddenly taken by the general insurrection.
Debaters grabbed at any object that had the potential of a weapon and wielded it for his won side. The tension that had been growing for several hours now came to a climax.
A grand battle raged, waged by the Deerfield Voluntary milita; as the Deerfield 4th Infantry Division was still on the Rock from last week's prank (see below for details).
Meanwhile, we interviewed Austin Pilotte '09, dressed as a European Gigolo.
"WE BEAT POWERS, Domination got dominated, enough said"
Subsequently, Dan Piemont'07 unveiled his Captain Deerfield metal rod and made it all personal.
All the nerdy debaters were suddenly taken by the general insurrection.
Debaters grabbed at any object that had the potential of a weapon and wielded it for his won side. The tension that had been growing for several hours now came to a climax.
A grand battle raged, waged by the Deerfield Voluntary milita; as the Deerfield 4th Infantry Division was still on the Rock from last week's prank (see below for details).
Meanwhile, we interviewed Austin Pilotte '09, dressed as a European Gigolo.
"WE BEAT POWERS, Domination got dominated, enough said"
Friday, May 4, 2007
Monica Lewinsky To Run For Presidency
MONTICELLO- Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky annnounced today at the dedication of the new Koch Science Center that she will run for president of the United States as an independent.
The announcement comes at a critical point in the democratic and republican primaries where both parties are scrambling to appoint a candidate.
On campus, the annoucement stirred the usual controversy and skepticism from Deerfield students. Patrick Tiongson '09 from Redondo Beach, California, commented : " I think she's totally a great woman, totally built her life from bottom to top without totally taking crap from anyone, she'd be a totally sick president"
Meanwhile Deerfield braces itself for the coming months of political scandal and dueling.
The announcement comes at a critical point in the democratic and republican primaries where both parties are scrambling to appoint a candidate.
On campus, the annoucement stirred the usual controversy and skepticism from Deerfield students. Patrick Tiongson '09 from Redondo Beach, California, commented : " I think she's totally a great woman, totally built her life from bottom to top without totally taking crap from anyone, she'd be a totally sick president"
Meanwhile Deerfield braces itself for the coming months of political scandal and dueling.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Charles Manson Signs Honor Code
CASWELL- Life-serving criminal Charles Manson signed the Deerfield Academy Honor code along with some 400 Deerfield students. The Honor code, concretized in a $3'000'000 book is made of sheets of aborted feotus buttcheek stem-cells, and has a platinum locket.
Manson was one of many celebrities signing the book, among them was OJ Simpson, Timothy McVeigh's ghost and Michael Jackson.
Sam Kaplan '09 signed his name in terrible cursive and affirmed "My life is totally changed now that I signed the book, I encourage you to do it as well, it is a watershed moment in life, much like marriage or death"
The book is a concrete representation of what Deerfield's morals are. It summarizes the motives of the school and reminds us to follow the rules and to not get caught breaking them.
Manson, 74 also commented: "I didn't really sign it, I just wrote Helter Skelter with my own blood!"
Manson was one of many celebrities signing the book, among them was OJ Simpson, Timothy McVeigh's ghost and Michael Jackson.
Sam Kaplan '09 signed his name in terrible cursive and affirmed "My life is totally changed now that I signed the book, I encourage you to do it as well, it is a watershed moment in life, much like marriage or death"
The book is a concrete representation of what Deerfield's morals are. It summarizes the motives of the school and reminds us to follow the rules and to not get caught breaking them.
Manson, 74 also commented: "I didn't really sign it, I just wrote Helter Skelter with my own blood!"
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Deerfield Academy founded 2007
BOSTON-Governor Sam Adams signed a charter today granting the construction of Deerfield Academy. According to Adams the school "will provide somewhere for the better more equal people to go..."
As Gov. Adams hurried out of the State house unto his four horsed coach, he was interpelled by one of our own reporters, however, the federalist governor would not answer any further questions regarding the school.
The school will supposedly house and educate the future white male elite of massachussets, but New York and Connecticut will undoubtedly send their own white males too.
As Gov. Adams hurried out of the State house unto his four horsed coach, he was interpelled by one of our own reporters, however, the federalist governor would not answer any further questions regarding the school.
The school will supposedly house and educate the future white male elite of massachussets, but New York and Connecticut will undoubtedly send their own white males too.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Deerfield Security Unearths Jordanian Petrodollars
DS LOUNGE - Several Tons of Petrodollars were found concealed under the carpet of the Lobby of the Memorial Building. The dean's office is convinced that the money is indeed Petrodollars and not normal everyday dollars.
"At the last round Square conference, several Kenyan delegates snuck in with me into the "Mem" and we buried 4 tons of Petrodollars under the Carpet," Admitted Chris Wong '10 after being tied to a chair and tortured for several hours.
The "Mem" is used by the Academy for its most mediocre dances that involve "Dang skeet skeet" and the evermore hippie Albany road coffee-houses.
Except for being the sketchiest place on campus, it is used daily and was in no way suspected of holding so much money.
As soon as the news was spread, Student Council members promptly ordered the area cordoned off from the campus. Several minutes later the Rainbow Six, Navy Seals and Halo dudes surrounded the area and secured the Petrodollars.
Four Jordanian Chinook Helicopters landed on the quad where Oliver Lee '10 was taking a well deserved nap.
" They came out of nowhere, I was sleeping and then I see this big bearded guy on a parachute, then I passed out…" Said Lee after he woke up.
The Petrodollars were loaded with caution as they are a valuable resource for middle-eastern countries. Last year alone, Jordan made 3 trillion dollars off the sale of Petrodollars.
"At the last round Square conference, several Kenyan delegates snuck in with me into the "Mem" and we buried 4 tons of Petrodollars under the Carpet," Admitted Chris Wong '10 after being tied to a chair and tortured for several hours.
The "Mem" is used by the Academy for its most mediocre dances that involve "Dang skeet skeet" and the evermore hippie Albany road coffee-houses.
Except for being the sketchiest place on campus, it is used daily and was in no way suspected of holding so much money.
As soon as the news was spread, Student Council members promptly ordered the area cordoned off from the campus. Several minutes later the Rainbow Six, Navy Seals and Halo dudes surrounded the area and secured the Petrodollars.
Four Jordanian Chinook Helicopters landed on the quad where Oliver Lee '10 was taking a well deserved nap.
" They came out of nowhere, I was sleeping and then I see this big bearded guy on a parachute, then I passed out…" Said Lee after he woke up.
The Petrodollars were loaded with caution as they are a valuable resource for middle-eastern countries. Last year alone, Jordan made 3 trillion dollars off the sale of Petrodollars.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Koch Center Hosts National Homeless Convention
Today, the Academy's Koch Science Center hosted the national homeless convention. It was an event that has been in planning for over six months and attracted hobos from all corners of the country.
"Being Homeless, much like being a doctor, is a noble profession" said Mazi Kazemi '09 upon being prompted on his thoughts about the convention. "they really deserve this convention, some have been begging for decades now."
Indeed, the National Hobo Association of America has strived to help the needy by stealing from the riches. They created a new stickball league in metropolises around the country, and hope that Hobos will be brought to the spotlight on a new reality show called "I'll buy you liquor for a dollar!"
Reginald "Re-Re" Thompson, 63, has been a hobo for over 54 years. He was kind enough to tell us his motives for attending the convention. He muttered: "Wal' thesee Walla Frooo abagogo,Nkome waza banga FREE FOOD!!"
The convention was started with the introductory speaker, Mr. Waddell, who brought his greyhounds on stage for effect. The crowd melted into tears as one of the greyhounds lay right next to a nearby Hobo.
"Being Homeless, much like being a doctor, is a noble profession" said Mazi Kazemi '09 upon being prompted on his thoughts about the convention. "they really deserve this convention, some have been begging for decades now."
Indeed, the National Hobo Association of America has strived to help the needy by stealing from the riches. They created a new stickball league in metropolises around the country, and hope that Hobos will be brought to the spotlight on a new reality show called "I'll buy you liquor for a dollar!"
Reginald "Re-Re" Thompson, 63, has been a hobo for over 54 years. He was kind enough to tell us his motives for attending the convention. He muttered: "Wal' thesee Walla Frooo abagogo,Nkome waza banga FREE FOOD!!"
The convention was started with the introductory speaker, Mr. Waddell, who brought his greyhounds on stage for effect. The crowd melted into tears as one of the greyhounds lay right next to a nearby Hobo.
Dunkin Donuts Hysteria
When in Xanadu...On Monday at 7:30, several day students stopped at the local Dunkin Donuts outlet and found that someone had already bought the whole store out.
Meanwhile, several unruly seniors in black Escalades and convertible Thunderbirds brought the victuals to the Deerfield 4th Infantry Division positioned behind Pocumtuck Ridge. All the boys ate and vomited the donuts viciously.
The presence of the troops is a drain to the valley's food supplies and the pillaging that the 4th Infantry has been involved in has caused many farmers to re-locate to New York City.
Erica Belanger '09 gave her assessment of the situation: "Two little girls were crying, because Cyrus took all the donuts, I was on the verge of tears myself!"
Belanger, a 15-year old olmypic prospect started crying like a little girl subsequently, and ran away...no pun intended.
Meanwhile, several unruly seniors in black Escalades and convertible Thunderbirds brought the victuals to the Deerfield 4th Infantry Division positioned behind Pocumtuck Ridge. All the boys ate and vomited the donuts viciously.
The presence of the troops is a drain to the valley's food supplies and the pillaging that the 4th Infantry has been involved in has caused many farmers to re-locate to New York City.
Erica Belanger '09 gave her assessment of the situation: "Two little girls were crying, because Cyrus took all the donuts, I was on the verge of tears myself!"
Belanger, a 15-year old olmypic prospect started crying like a little girl subsequently, and ran away...no pun intended.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
PRANK! ENTIRE SCHOOL SUSPENDED
SCAIFE II - As a result of Monday morning's prank, Headmaster Dr. Curtis decided that the whole school be placed on suspension. At the dismay of hard-line teachers and custodians, the students will not be able to learn for the next two weeks. As Greenwich resident Taylor Coe '09 pointed out: "It's awesome that Dr. Curtis is so in tune with the will of the students".
Indeed, several students rejoiced at the prospect of being suspended. The Strategic Planning Committee even decided to make one-time suspension of the whole school a tradition by 2008.
As Students marveled in euphoria at the surprise, Tom Burrow '10 and several others decided to march down Main Street to the river in order to make a statement.
Burrow commented: "We are truly happy; this is a day of bliss and eternal happiness."
The School will remain suspended until Parent's weekend when they will put up a horse and pony show.
Indeed, several students rejoiced at the prospect of being suspended. The Strategic Planning Committee even decided to make one-time suspension of the whole school a tradition by 2008.
As Students marveled in euphoria at the surprise, Tom Burrow '10 and several others decided to march down Main Street to the river in order to make a statement.
Burrow commented: "We are truly happy; this is a day of bliss and eternal happiness."
The School will remain suspended until Parent's weekend when they will put up a horse and pony show.
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