NEWS FROM THE FRONT

EAGLEBROOK- In the recent weeks, the remainder of the Deerfield 4th Infantry trekked through the Eaglebrook campus to meet the communist foe. Meanwhile, the Deerfield 473rd Airborne performed in the last of a series of war games with the 1st Bement Horse in preparation with the new secret campaign to take over NMH's Pocumtuck positions.
Abandoned since the senior prank, the Deerfield army is hungry and in desperate need for food. The soldiers on the front are eating hteir own shoes and bracing agaisnt diseases such as Syphilis and Legionnaire's.
At Central Command, General Matt Bolger'09 assured the Chronicle that the army was in great shape and "pumped", "blazed", and "kind of having a fun time".
The great donuts famine fo last friday was met with a series of looting for food, women and other similar victuals, vital for the survival of the 4th Infantry.

STADIUM- The Deerfield Navy is preparing for a series of war-games that will take place next weekend. Two SS-Class Nimitz Submarines will race at the Deerfield river, to see who gets the farthest without getting killed.
"It's all fun right now, but wait till Matt Lu'09 gets his bow and arrows, that's when the game is going to go down" affirmed McCullough Shriver'08, Admiral of the Pacific Task Force.
The navy, though inexperienced and somewhat inexistent, is the beacon of Deerfield on the water, ALL HAIL THE FACIST REGIME OF THE AP SYSTEM